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26 December 2012 @ 05:50 am
Still alive, had a pretty good Christmas. Just don't use LiveJournal very much anymore.
07 March 2012 @ 01:27 pm
Making a post, just to make sure my account doesn't get purged or something.
18 May 2011 @ 06:50 pm
I'm sure it's been awhile since I've posted anything here... usually is.
No super optimistic, cheerful post here. Don't have too much of that anymore. I live day by day, but really don't have all that much interest in any of it.
I'm fatter than I've ever been in my life....and I've just gotten to the point where I don't care. The only time I really care is when I'm trying to find clothes to wear, but beyond that? Not really. I don't have anyone I'm trying to impress. I've pretty much come to terms with the fact that I'm just not relationship material, and will never really have a serious one. So the only person that I'd be making the effort to keep myself up for would be me, and I'm really not worth the effort. So bleh.
I'm still working at the casino, and I still do really like the job, more than I've ever liked a job before. It just doesn't pay as much as my bills are, always an ongoing stress.

At least when, I can one day afford therapy, I'll know what one of my triggers for binge eating and emotional eating are. One among hundreds I'm sure. Seems like the depression cloud has come again I guess, since I really find no joy in any aspect of my life anymore. Too lazy to really even try to end it I guess. In some ways I envy the people who just finally give up with anything of their lives and  play the 'Depression' card. On disability because of depression? Sure.... get to just lay in bed all day, and still get money. People just let you. Somehow, it never seems like I can even assume that lifestyle... if I just.... stopped, most of the people I know would be like 'wtf, suck it up.stop having a pity party' I have bills that would still need to be paid. I don't think Citicards would care if I'm too depressed to see the point of getting out of bed. So at times, I do envy the people who get away with it I suppose.

I'm sure most of the people I know who are reading this even now are thinking, so what, suck it up and deal with it and blah blah blah. But really? I don't care. Suck it.
05 November 2010 @ 09:24 am
It happens infrequently, this feeling. This need. It's usually the kind of feeling that gets kept down,repressed a good portion of the time. This need, this ache, to be wanted and cared for.
To have someone who sees a change in your eyes when you're sad or upset. Someone who sees the shadows come to your face and knows what's wrong, who cares what's wrong. Someone to give just a gentle touch or caress to comfort, kind words to soothe.
Plenty of people have these kinds of people, some are surrounded by them. They have friends, lovers, who care for them as kindred spirits or soul mates. People who have a caring,compassionate heart and reach out easily with sympathy and love.
Some seek out such contact constantly, always looking for someone to treat them so, unable to survive without the constant assurance and support of others. Many others exist without such care, at times willing, eager to enjoy their existance without the need for others.
How does one find a balance? A balance between the need and the independence.

It's hard for me... when there's such a change in temperment for me. While I usually avoid the closeness, at times I wonder if it's an excuse. A way to excuse feeling unlovable and unworth of other's affections, by stating those affections aren't wanted anyway.
It's not a matter of not having it then, if I say I don't want it anyway. Occasionally, the facade breaks though, and I do want it. Yearn for it, in fact. To feel what others feel. To be told the light of the world reflects in my eyes, and there is no one but me for another.
To feel a touch as gentle as silk, loving and warm. To feel the strength of comforting arms around me as a presence larger and stronger than myself.

You can't find what you don't look for. With the billions of people in this world, this holds more true than ever before. Yet, isn't it better to just not look, to close yourself off and say it's nothing you want to find, rather than search unendingly and find no one willing to fill the position?
"It's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." How true is this, really? Who can say for sure? Isn't it better to never have that comforting caress, the lover's gaze, or the compassionate shoulder, than to have it briefly and lose it? To constantly pine for what you once had?
Either way, once the barrier is up, it probably doesn't matter does it.Perhaps such a barrier is permanent, once erected. It's built on past hurts and insecurities afterall, quite a strong foundation.

This is all an insight into why I shy away from romantic movies or books. I feel they give the impression of romantic relationships that don't exist in real life. That couldn't possibly be real, at least for me. They're fine for actors and actresses at the peak of their youth and beauty,but when you're average at best, they're a harsh reminder of what will never be.
Love stories and romance don't exist for the overweight and shy. There's no burning love and passion there. Fond feelings perhaps, maybe even love, but never the world altering fire and romance you read about or see in movies.
So in a way it's like sour grapes. Where you say "I wouldn't of wanted it anyway" when you know you can't have it.

Deep down, however, it's a human instinct isn't it. To crave compassion and sympathy, to be noticed,  cared for completely by another person. A need to be wanted deeply. To have a spot in the world.

I have to wonder... is that part of the driving force behind life?

I certaintly don't know
Current Mood: lonelylonely
31 August 2010 @ 08:59 pm
Update on my life...

I'm done with being a housekeeper/nanny. Yesterday was my last day at the job.

I got to be unemployed one whole day. Tomorrow I start my new job at the casino that's half an hour from here! It's a job in MARKETING. Finally! It's got benefits, retirement plan, so great! I'm so excited to finally have a job in marketing! It's the lowest rung of the ladder in Marketing, but it's still in Marketing!!! WOOHOO! Getting my license took a record breaking 2 weeks! Instead of 4-6 weeks to process. Yay!
21 June 2010 @ 12:07 am

I.... just won a contest! I won two tickets to be in an audience at a bookstore Miyavi is going to the day before his live that I'm attending!!!!!!

He'll be performing an accoustic song for the small audience. Which I'll be IN! Me and Jen!


AND! I'll have a chance to be one of 10 winners that will win an autograph from him! ^________________^

I actually won something!!!!!!! FUCKING YEA!
Current Mood: ecstaticecstatic
11 May 2010 @ 07:14 pm
I've decided.
If I want change. I need to make it happen. Nothing ever happens just from wishing or hoping. Things in life just don't happen on their own. You have to make it happen.
I've been sticking to a meal plan for the last 5-6 weeks and it's actually going well. The diet got off to a good start when I got strep throat in March and lost 13 pounds in a few days. After that I started eating more sensibly and trying to exercise more. Since then I've lost 14 more pounds. So the total lost is 27 pounds so far.
Today is when I'm really getting actually serious about this. I'm getting more into the exercising and have made the diet even more strict now. I plan to do this right and make myself stronger.

Cheezy enough, the inspiration is coming from GACKT once again. I've really gotten into a GACKT mood lately and watching him perform really makes me want to work harder to get in shape and be able to move like he does. To make myself into a better person. So, now I'm really serious about this. I'm in it for the long term this time. I've changed my eating habits completely and do my best to eat healthful and exercise more.

I'm also trying to learn Japanese again, and have already gotten further than I did the last (five) times I tried. So.... Ganbatte ne?! ^_~
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
05 May 2010 @ 09:06 am
I know it's been a while. Not realy going to do much of an update now either. Still alive and getting lost in GACKTyness... For some reason my interest in him has been renewed. For a while I was just a bit standoffish as life was getting in the way of things. Maybe life's just gotten stressful enough for me that I'm reverting back to my original coping mechanism... GACKT. Maybe I'm trying to just sort of detach myself from the life I'm not very happy with by distracting myself like I used to. Oh well. GACKT! ^_~
17 April 2010 @ 02:22 pm
just to sort of update a bit.. no I'm not dead... yes life sucks lol. The netbook recently had some problems, had to PAY to get the stupid recovery disk from Acer, then wait patiently for it to get here... -_- Just finished restoring the computer stuffs...
05 December 2009 @ 10:12 pm
Again... it's been a while since I last updated. Sorry to all of my friends who I neglect on here... :( I really use Facebook a lot more now. My username is the same there as it is here, so go ahead and check me there, I'll add you if you add me.

Let's see.. what's been up.
Well... not too much... didn't get to go and see Miyavi, which sucks :( I'm hoping he reschedules soon. What would be perfect would be Las Vegas in Feb, since my mom and I are going for a week (hopefully) She retires the end of this month, and has wanted to take a nice trip for a long time after she retires.

As for me, well, getting very very restless. What's new right? I'm planning to get done my current job next fall and move somewhere. Dunno where yet. Possibilities are Ithaca, Las Vegas, California, Albany, Burlington, North Carolina. So we'll see, I need to try to pay down some of my debt first right now. *sigh* damn credit cards.

I've had my ups and downs, as usual as well. Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I'm a touch bi-polar, or if I really have PMDD or what. Cause sometimes, I'm great, ambitious, and right with the world. Othertimes, christ, feels like if it wasn't such a selfish act I'd slit my wrists -_-. Maybe I'm bi-polar *and* have PMDD lol. Who knows. At the moment things are somewhat okay though. Right now I'm keeping busy with planning my cookies for friends, and painting at ceramics.

I actually really like doing the ceramics thing, and could see myself selling things like that one day. It'd be easier to sell that than bakery items, a dream that's really starting to fade the more I get frustrated with it.
Current Location: couch
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Josh groban